I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
