Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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