Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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