TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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