Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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