remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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