Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
