Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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