one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
