I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
