I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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