If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
