Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
