Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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