Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
