Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
