Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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