she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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