so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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