I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
