Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
