oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
