Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize