It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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