dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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