I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
