just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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