my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
