Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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