My nipple is on Facebook.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
