Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
