Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize