i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
