I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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