I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
