I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize