Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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