i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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