I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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