the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
