Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
In America we eat man semen.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
