I feel great
I just peed on a car
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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