I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
