Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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