seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
