I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
