Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
