do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
