Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
