Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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