Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
