it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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