I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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