I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
