I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
