I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
