whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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