he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
