I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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