I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
