I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
